The Wild World of Instagrammers!

 

So Rob and I have returned from a wonderful 10 days in the UAE combining business and pleasure, well ‘Business’ I say in the loosest sense of the Word, and only if you can count as a legitimate Business, Rob squeezing around his boxers and socks a suitcase full of ‘Camel’ fags bound for home, where our very own entrepreneurial in-house ‘ Del boy Dec’, will be waiting to accept the consignment and distribute to his bunch of misfit Uni mates.  All ready and willing to hand over their well borrowed student grant cash to feed their 40 a day habits.

 

We don’t judge in the Jones household. Each to their own slow and steady death of choice…. blah blah

 

Anyway the holiday was a blast as we rubbed shoulders in the swanky Dubai Hotels with the Instagrammer Elite.

 

Now normally on holiday I position my sunbed towards the sun, close to the bar where they can hook me up and I can mainline gin with minimal effort. But on this sober holiday I thought without drinking, I would experience a more cultural experience, so I promptly set about people watching.

 

Well the Instagrammers did NOT disappoint.   They were strutting, preening and pruning with all the finesse of perfect permatanned human niknaks, pulling fabulous pinched arse, pouting mouth looks that you can only get from going nil by mouth, and smoking ten million Benson and Hedges a day as your daily food supplement. 

 

It was an utter joy to watch and in particular, my all time favourite to spy on, Love Island ‘X’, who was a delight to look at by the way but after a quick two second chat, I couldn’t help but think he was so thick he’d struggle to see through a ladder.  He sauntered around the Beach, Pool and the Sea with his entourage ‘getting noticed’ at the speed of a melting ice cap and after a glorious sunset was still there at breakfast the next day slowly but surely inching his way back from the shore line having posed stiffly on the sea swing for 8 hours before heading back to the sunbed like an asthmatic sea turtle.

 

Rob felt positively underdressed next to the love island boys, without his own personal photographer, snapping away, at his every facial movement.  He suggested that, I take on this new role whilst he lies, pool side pose, eyes closed, facing the noon day sun whilst I ‘snap’ innocently at him to post on his own Instagram feed.

 

I failed to point out to Rob at this point that his over lubricated application of waterproof factor 50 made him look more like he was about to swim the Channel never mind channel his inner hunk……..ah well.

 

After about twenty unsuccessful snaps and clearly unamused at my new assignment, I decided to leave the task in hand and instead go and feed my newly acquired food addiction that has replaced the booze one and opted to nip for lunch instead.  I returned two hours later to find Rob, asleep, burnt, snoring heavily, surrounded by empty padded sunbeds as he unwittingly has sleep dribbled mouth open, and single handedly topped up the level of the pool.  I had no idea how to wake him safely, my initial thought involved matches and petrol but I couldn’t help but think with the amount of hairspray and polyester courtesy of Boohoo and PLT in the nearby vicinity, the entire hotel would likely go up in perma puff of smoke.  After careful deliberation, I opted for the safer option………. a drowning……. and swiftly rolled him off the edge with an almighty dead body weight splash that caused a ripple tsunami affect and took out about four sets of intagrammer eyelashes and a few sets of hair extensions in the process. C’est la vie!

 

According to Rob I was a tad jealous of the younger perfect folk, and to be fair getting ready in the morning was beginning to feel a little like trying to dress a car accident next to the super social media crew, so perhaps he was right.

 

I embraced the time however amongst the hip and the trendy and bit my tongue quite well I thought when asked by Persia from Edinburgh  ‘What DO older ladies Do in Dubai for excitement’  I refrained from retorting ‘going to bed and hoping you will die in your sleep’ and reminded myself that ‘Peeeershhha’, herself couldn’t entertain a thought never mind a chat with an older person for five minutes.  OLDER LADIES, I will give her older ladies and I gave her a ‘don’t fuck with me, I’ve got super sharp shards of Glacier mints in my Winciette support swimming costume and I am not afraid to use them’ kind of stare.

Now I am happy to report, I am back home, head to toe in warm sensible DCI Vera Stanhope, clothing and feel fully refreshed.  I feel wonderful, back firing on all cylinders and I have removed negativity from my life (well I did eventually let him back in after sentencing him to 24 hours in the dog house for perving at women) so all in all, life is good!

Take care everyone and enjoy the imminent heatwave

 

Sue xxxxx