Top 5 January Wins from No Gins

 

Sober Sue’s review on being Sober Curious in January, saying a fond farewell to the excruciating Hang…xiety attacks from the Morning after the night before and why I will be continuing smashing the back door into February.  Apologies to my Rainbow friends if that sentence sounds a tad kinky, it’s the Month of Love I know,  but I have deleted, Recorking, Recapping and Reversing already and running out of non-sexual innuendoes that scream Take February by the Horns, enter forcefully and join a new Curious Crew gaining Momentum, the Spitters and not the Swallowers into sobriety living………………

 

Whilst I have a cold shower and a much needed lie down, Here are my five January Wins from no more Gins.

 

1. The Wine Witch Bitch is gone

Irene controlled the vast days of my past drinking life like an overbearing, most irritating, pushiest PTA Mother fucker known to man.

There she was reliably over exaggerating my talents whenever possible, ‘Oh you can dance darling, scale that wall in five inch heels and perform a single handed cartwheel, double somersault loop all at the same time.’.  ten out of ten talent supreme I became, after a skinful. 

Win no Gin number 1 - Being sober, fantastically you remember, you are not 9 anymore, you don’t do gymnastics in the lounge, leave the dancing to the professionals and no longer need a fast track car parking pass to A&E

 

2. Memory restored

Overexcited drinkers like myself,  can’t remember anything.  We are simply the best people to confide in with your deepest secrets after knowing each other for approximately four minutes as we won’t remember a single word of the deep and meaningful bonding chat as soon as the toilet cubicle closes behind us.  However the flip side to this is that we are also the worst people to tell where you’ve hidden your front door key for re-entry into the house at 2am – Not a hope in hell of finding that one!

Win no Gin number 2 - Being sober, fantastically you remember everything again, who you are, where you live, all your Co-workers saucy gossip, who still owes you a tenner from the unpaid Secret Santa collection and what time you went to bed.

 

3. Wake up and Smell the Coffee

Mornings in my drinking past, I was like a bad Agatha Christie on repeat.  I would wake up, very Miss Marple…esk, desperately, scanning the room for clues, reading verbal responses and body language signals, whilst frantically trying to piece together the fragments of the night before antics in my mind.  Morning conversations were like chatting to an utterly shit bogus fortune teller……..so you enjoyed the fiiiiiiillllm we watched, we watched a film, yes we did, phew,  result and we enjooooooyed the foooooooood, yes we must have order a take away, fabulous.   Queue massive relief, Irene didn’t screw up the basic task of watching TV and eating a kebab.

Win no Gin number 3 - Being sober, you wake up early, really early,  you literally seize the day  There is no lounge and kitchen carnage from departing carcas finding way to bed via the fridge and instead you simply make the most of those incredible dawns and day breaks you’ve heard all about and seen on the credits of Emmerdale.

 

4. Cleanse Tone and Moisturise

Pissed people tend to not, with all the best will in the world remember to take their make up off prior to faceplanting the pillow.   Irene was not a fan and barely had time to remember to close both eyes for slumber let alone, apply miracle eye moisturiser to upper lids.  I was pretty used to rising from the unconscious state and staring at a make up silhouette of my face completely marked out on the pillow in front of me like a very bad e fit drawing of a wanted criminal.

Win no Gin number 4 - Being sober, I not only cleanse, tone and moisturise, I also apply hydrating and moisturising neck creams along with lavender night drops and pillow mist to all and sundry within a five mile radius of said slumber position.  I can safely say South Warrington is sleeping well. 

 

5.  There are so many hours in the day

Drinking bottles and bottles of wine takes a bloody long time.  I had no idea whilst under the influence how many sodding hours it actually takes to neck the liquids.  The term ‘ All day Bender’ is actually factually in correct as a drinkers day is only 7 hours long from start to finish or rather from standing awake to lying down unconscious.  Finding the additional hours and working out what the hell to do with them all is quite another thing.  Thank fuck for Wordle that fills at least a two minute window of time!

Win no Gin number 5 - Being sober you relish in the fact that there are two 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 o’clocks in the day……so much time, you have absolutely no idea what the hell to do with it, other than explain to everyone you meet how many hours there are in the day……..who would have believed it!!!